So I've decided that I start too many paragraphs with so, so I will try to stop doing that. Anyway, I've decided to try and help define everything about league as I see it. A way to bring people up to speed with my mindset and lend my eyes to others such that they may see what I see. What I set out to accomplish here is to let everyone know that we don't all play the game the same way, and I want a few people to see how I play the game. Every role will be defined here, every play style will be defined here, and how to accomplish objectives will be laid out. If you want to be a hashinshin and get all the money and women that a hashinshin gets this post is your ticket to the hashinshin train of success.
Please note that this post depicts graphic usage of sarcastic irony.
Lets start with all the different champion roles.
Up first is the mid laner. The mid laner is the lane for people that like to make promises but never intend to keep them. He is the guy that always says he's coming to your party but calls you afterwards to apologize and explain why he couldn't come. Always promising to roam and gank, always coming up short and never following through. Mid laner is supposed to push his lane then go gank, because the mid is the easiest spot to gank everywhere on the map. In reality he's going to allow himself to always stay pushed in then complain the jungler will be coming to gank him at all times. When it's 20 minutes and his score is 0/1/0 the mid laner's natural defense is to say that people should have warded better and that he never got any ganks. The key to playing mid is to realize that AD could've carried harder anyway, and being sadistic will make your job a lot more fun.
The top laner is the martyr role of the team. Always expecting help, never receiving it. Like the man who goes hungry such that you may eat the top laner takes the top lane role and knows that he will starve while others gorge themselves on the feasts of ganks. Their role is to be the sponge for team hate and criticism (early game mind you, supports are this later on.) Unless of course they actually get help for once, then they'll snowball and be the big hero. That's what keeps the top laner going, that one game when he gets to be the big hero and save the world. As your team's main tank for all early game ganks the top laner must prepare his face for the uppercuts it will be dealt all game. The key to playing top laner is to realize that you probably should've just played AD again, also being masochistic improves your odds of enjoying the lane.
As the AD you are the super star. All you are expected to do is farm, and you even come with your own personal fan girl to cheer you on. You are like the big rock star that gets to show up late, never has to set up the stage, and always gets to leave before clean up. Your support heals you, wards for you, keeps you safe, and most of the time does all the work in harass too. You get to carry the hardest and barely even have to even work to achieve it. You might be a bit squishy but you're still tankier than mages and you're probably just playing Graves again anyway so you can't really screw up. All you're expected to do is farm enough such that you have an IE at ~20 minutes, then show up to the last 15 minutes of the game and carry every one to victory. The key to playing AD laner is to be as narcissistic as possible.
The support is the player that realizes that the AD laner is really the only player that matters, yet can't actually play AD very well. Like a parent who keeps telling their child that one day they will be president, the support's job is to make sure the AD's diaper and bib are clean at all times, and to make sure to always keep the AD safe from strange looking people coming at them. You'll be warding for them, healing for them, shielding them, making sure the other support/AD doesn't harass them too much, and generally babying them until they're big and strong. Watch out though, once your AD reaches their teen years they'll hate you and tell you that you keep ruining their life. You will form the main tank for any excuse your AD has as to why they are not 10/0/0 (any assist means somebody KS'd them.) The key to playing support is to just give up on ever being loved.
The jungler is the perfect position for people who have developed a god complex over their years of playing league. You are no ordinary god though, you are a vengeful god, be ready to lay down some old testament punishment on those on your team who would not worship you. Ganks are your reward for proper praise, and withholding the ganks are your tools to ensure your team falls in line with your godliness. The way to play jungler to to know exactly how to play, but then to just not do it just to fuck with people. Since you'll be (pretty much) safe in your jungle your score will always look good, and you can always just blame people for not warding or worse yet double warding if they get ganked too much. The key to playing jungle is to remember that you are the most important person, and nothing is more important than that extra 70g you could get from clearing a creep wave rather than helping a lane.
Play styles, how to properly play league of legends in solo queue.
Step one is to ALWAYS have a backup plan. Always have the plan for when things fail. By this I mean always have an excuse ready as to why it's the support's fault. The best way I've found to accomplish this is to blame improper ward coverage. An example of this would be: "I died at baron because YOU didn't ward it!" Throwing in profanity at the end ensures that people know you were being serious and it IS the support's fault. I wouldn't recommend blaming the jungler as they appear to have developed an immunity to blame no matter how much to blame they are. Therefore aiming for the #2 target, the support, is always a winning strategy. If you are playing AD I would suggest that it is mandatory to blame your support for anything less than a perfect score.
Step two is to always figure out a way by game's end to explain how you personally were the foundation upon which your team's victory was built. If you are 2/9/4 explain as to how you were the main tank in fights and kept baiting them. If you are 1/10/3 then you must explain how you ate all the ganks and kept getting focused such that everybody else could carry. ALWAYS, and this is key, ALWAYS be thinking through out the game as to how you are the four walls for your team's inevitable accomplishment. Pick up minor things you did through out the game and store them in memory for the post game discussion, an elephant never forgets and elephants are huge. Don't you want to be huge like an elephant, men? Just because you weren't "getting all the kills" or "being useful in the slightest" doesn't mean it wasn't by your hard work that the game was won.
Step three, and the final step, is to make sure your score looks good. If you are playing a tank try to not actually tank damage. If you are an AP try to unload on only their tank rather than AoE their team. Doing things other than the suggested can lead to potential death, and therefore make your score look bad. The worst thing that could ever happen is losing a game with a bad score to boot. Pop ignite to override an ally's ignite on a kill, that will be a sure way to score a kill rather than an assist. If you are Darius be sure to run yourself OOM ulting the first two easy kills. Yes you COULD save your mana and use your ultimate on a third harder to kill target but then you wouldn't have the two original kills, so what is the clear smarter decision to make here?
Objectives, how to get the game to end properly while maintaining good scores.
Now you might be asking me, "Hashinshin what if my score is better than my teammates' but the game isn't going to end?" A good question Timmy, and I have the perfect answer for you: Tell your team to do Baron. I guarantee with this little trick that you will get the game to end extremely quickly and you can maintain that well endowed score. Now if your score is extremely high and you know that you will have a better score even with a death a second trick I recommend is to get your team to push together down a lane as 5. You might again be asking: "Hashinshin how will that get my game to end?" Another good question Timmy. The trick here is to get them as 5 pushing a lane up to a turret. Then once you see the turret I want you to initiate on to said turret as hard as you can while spam pinging on an enemy.
The more passive aggressive approach to this is to hide in your lane and farm. This might be a little more difficult but you always have the excuse that you're farming should anything go wrong. It might be a little more difficult because you can get ganked and die, but you won't draw your team's attention so much for making those terrible plays and will look better in the post-game discussion with your high CS. You big CSer you, what a champion. If you can make it to 25 minutes without a single team fight I shall dub thee the farm masta. Bonus points if you can find a valid excuse for not helping your team.
Lastly, and in conclusion:
Remember that league is a PvP game. Player versus player. Your allies are players. This isn't some PwtvPwt (player with team versus player with team) game. The key to success is to ensure that you have an advantage over these other players, enemies or allies. The easiest way to get your advantage over your enemies is with your kill stat, and the easiest way to get an advantage over your allies is with a HIGHER kill stat. Therefore to achieve both goals the answer is clear: Kill steal allies. What's more you must remember the 4 E's. Excuses, excuses, excuses, excuses. And lastly, don't forget to play your role to the best of your abilities as I have described them. Choose which role suits your personality the best. Like the greatest basketball player of all time, MJ, you must hone your ability to dunk and score.
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